I Know How it All Began.

I know how it all began.

Or rather, when it ended.

The beginning of the end started with my promotion at work last fall. It is the position I lost when transferring to a new location a couple years ago. The opportunity arrived and I loathed the thought of anyone else having it because I believe myself the most qualified and couldn't imagine continuing working part time with (and for) someone I most likely would have trained. So with an almost equally weighted pro/con list I accepted.

One item on my pro-list was working the open shift which generally runs from 7am to 2:30pm and for the first few months this worked in my favor. Then a company policy shifted which negated the reason for my position being there that early and I began working typical day hours of 9am to 5:30pm or thereabouts. Then a staffing change occurred which led to more closing shifts of 1:30 to 10pm. Why is this pertinent? Well, I didn't exactly connect the dots until recently.

Those dots are the dates of my blog posts, whether on this blog or my photography blog. My posts became more sporadic after moving to this remote location, then slowed after my promotion and have now become a rarity with my work schedule changes.

I cannot blame my number of hours worked because while working morning shifts full-time I was able to maintain my hobbies (passions, really) but while working afternoon and night shifts full-time my favorite activities have fallen wayside. And I mean waaaaayside. I used to come home around 2 or 3pm, while my thoughts and energy were still in motion, and play with my camera, fiddle with my photos or tinker on some other project until dinner time. Now I come home at dinner time (and much later), cook, eat, watch the news, then wind down and go to bed. I don't have those few, productive late afternoon hours anymore to do what I love.

One huge reason of mine for not having children is because I do not want to sacrifice the few passions I have in life. Well, now I have. Gradually, one by one, my passions are disappearing. I move from family and family moves from me. I find myself in more remote locations, further from cities and urban experiences. Job opportunities are paltry and, frankly, not very enticing. And now, said job has sucked away the last of my energy, motivation and creativity, leaving me to wonder why I should blog at all.

The excuse I tell myself is that everyone eventually sacrifices what they love for the sake of responsibility, whether it be family, children, health or employment. We all seem to give up small pieces of ourselves, one by one, until we become boring adults, doing what we must to get by. I am now among the many who complain about their job, who go through the daily motions between hitting snooze in the morning and taking vitamins before tucking themselves into bed at night. I am not the first or last to lose passion and all the creativity that comes with it. I am an average human being with no motivation left to be any different.